The Other Side of Fear: Slaying your Dragons

Fear ultimately comes from thinking that when you go into the unknown you’re opening yourself up to pain. Whether that pain is physical, emotional, and/or psychological we’ve adapted to avoid pain. In fact, not only is it an adaption but fear is also a tactic used to control us when we are growing up. Think about how our upbringing is structured with fear of bad things happening to us if we don’t obey. Parents instill this fear into their children on a regular basis. For example, they tell their children not to talk to strangers because they’ll abduct us and take us somewhere scary and/or do terrible things to us. They also tell their children that if they get bad grades or drop school altogether then somehow the child will be a failure for the rest of their lives. In both cases, the parents are reflecting their fear of the unknown onto their children. This fear is used as a mechanism to make sure we are kept in check and don’t do anything that our family and society at large don’t feel comfortable with.

Societal Bogeymen

For most people this fear mechanism may come from growing up in a very conservative environment where generation after generation knows and does the same exact things with their lives day in and day out. In this situation you are born and bred to be exactly like those before you and if you ever deviate from that path you are under the threat of being ostracized or cut off. When we expand the fear circle to your education then we get into even more threats. Your parents send you to school and then the fear is that you may not fit in with the rest of your peers. Then combine that with the strict authoritarian environment that you are educated in where the fear is of not pleasing your teacher overlords and getting into trouble for not paying attention and having the gall to speak your mind. If you ever decide that school is not for you, then they scare you with the fear of never achieving anything and being a failure, having nowhere to turn, no way to make something of your life and being abandoned by society at large. This is a very palpable fear of going into the unknown while leaving the known behind.

Coasting through Life

So far we have discussed more threatening and potentially life-altering fears. On the other hand smaller, more subtle fears do exist. Some of those fears include being judged and doing something new once in a while. When people let these fears rule them they usually end up living their life in a never ending cycle of mediocrity. For example, expanding your existing network and starting a business come with a good chance of being judged and criticized. However, when people don’t take those chances they do nothing to change where they are going in life. Then they may become entrenched in their comfort zones and have no problem with stagnation and living the same way over and over again without any changes at all because the possibility of even the slightest pain and discomfort isn’t very appealing.

Spiraling Down

The flip side of the pain and discomfort that facing our fears can potentially bring us is the frustration of being trapped. In other words, we feel enslaved in our own minds because of the paralyzation and the stagnation of being in our comfort zones. When we concentrate too much on the consequences and not on the potential gains we may never grow into a better version of ourselves. This leaves some people feeling that the world has left them behind. They might moan and groan about their situation to other people to numb themselves to the fact that they are not willing to take a chance to do something new that can change their situation. They are hoping that an external force will bring about change through their complaints and frustrations when most likely that will never happen. This ends up leaving some people in a loop of endless bitterness and disappointment.

Breaking the Illusion

I fell when I was younger into the trap of believing that if I abided by the fear that made me a good boy and not a troublemaker. I was confusing being afraid with being a good child/citizen. So I was always looking to be a people pleaser (partly because my mom is a big people pleaser and my father hardly ever takes a stand against anything and always avoids confrontation). So while I was that people pleaser who always honored the rules and wanted to never be seen as a troublemaker, I started feeling as though nobody really gave a damn. I was irrelevant - just another person in a sea of people. That wasn’t that bad until it started getting that bad. Then since I wasn’t exactly social and happy in school (partly because of the divorce of my parents and it’s no secret I think the education system is a travesty). With all of that, my faith in being the “good guy” and not “rocking the boat” shattered into pieces and I became jaded. I could only complain about how life sucked yet I would hardly take any action on it. I was so conditioned and so afraid that I kept my mouth shut and became depressed while putting on a front of “I’m fine”.

Prison Escape

What bothered me the most was that I didn’t have the courage to lobby for myself. Through all of my people-pleasing and rule-following, I had this idea in my head that I would somehow magically be rewarded for my good behavior yet the only thing I was to society was a sheep to have my dreams broken and slaughtered like so many other people. When I gained the courage to lobby for myself by speaking my mind, I finally felt a sense of empowerment rather than just being a mindless cog in a broken system.

How to Slay Your Dragon

I remember it like it was yesterday - the day where I finally got the courage to speak my mind. In 8th grade we had something called community circle where all the students all got together in a circle and talked about anything that was on their mind. So when it was my turn I just unloaded on how bad I thought the school was and how the teachers were doing the students a disservice by giving too much work, complaining about their jobs, how nothing ever changes, and how the boredom was becoming unbearable. That’s when I got a round of applause from all the other students. That was what happens on the other side of fear - that gold you get when you slay your first fear dragon. The dragon was being judged and the gold was the round of applause. My first victory was slaying that dragon yet there were a shit ton of other dragons waiting for me in my future and this first dragon was just a baby dragon. As I discovered, there were much bigger dragons out there with much hotter breath.

Off On the Road To Adventure

My next big dragon to slay was travelling alone. I talked about my travels in my previous post so I’ll just talk about my first travel experience here. It’s one thing when you are speaking in a room full of familiar faces you’ve seen for years as a young child. It’s a totally different thing to go to a place where you’ve never been before with people you’ve never seen before. I always wanted to travel yet I was always under the impression that I had to do it with someone else because I couldn’t take care of myself. I decided that didn’t matter to me. I got my sword and shield and went to fight that dragon for my own happiness and love of exploration. On the first day, a lot of fear set in yet shortly after that I was ok. When you’re hostelling, the fear of never trusting or never talking to strangers has to disappear. Once that fear melts you’re really good to go after that. On top of that, I have a true passion for flying and it’s really amazing to just connect with that passenger sitting next to you. I came back and I felt better but it was back to the daily grind after that.

Another One Bites the Dust

The next fear I had to face was driving because I was always afraid of getting into crashes or hitting things with the car. That’s because I was an extremely cautious person. Eventually though I got the hang of it and started driving, I still didn’t drive on the freeways until after two years of having driven. That’s because my mom was always afraid of me driving on the freeway. She hired an instructor for me and I was with that instructor for 3 to 4 months, which was way more than what I needed and I continued with him even after I got my license. This is an example of one of fear’s biggest byproducts, which is analysis paralysis. This is where you have to think about something a thousand times over before you even move a muscle. When I was still attending university (at CSUN) and was forced to take the freeway because of the long distance, I stopped being paralyzed and just jumped in the deep end, drove on the freeway with everyone else and wondered what the hell I was so afraid of.

It’s Not Always Like the Movies...

Not all the dragons you face are going to be easily beatable. Sometimes you can come out of a battle with big flesh wounds and losing some fingers. The dragon of going to Israel for a kibbutz program because I wanted a long term adventure had its highs and lows. I liked some things about the new environment yet some of the people there were insufferable and the rooms at the kibbutz facility were terrible. At the end of the day I felt traumatized because it was too much roughing it for me and I felt like I couldn’t live under such conditions. Additionally, I had a beef with my own room mate because he was acting crazy, not respecting my privacy, and making life hard for no reason. I slayed that dragon but, not without flesh wounds and there was hardly any gold at the other end of it.

Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is

I’ll talk about two more of my dragons and end with my biggest dragon ever. I got an email one day about an information product called Jumpcut Academy and how it’s going to help me become a YouTube influencer. I already had a YouTube channel that wasn’t really doing that well. It was always a dream of mine to spread my messages across the world, which is why I went into broadcasting in school. Eventually I wanted to end up on radio and/or TV. My biggest dragon at that point was the “Buy Now” button because the total cost of the program was $1,000 and I had a hoarding mentality when it came to money (partly because I just quit my job and partly because my father was always a hoarder and some of it rubbed off me). The desire to grow though was much greater than the fear so I joined. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was an experience.

Making Myself Be Heard

The other dragon that had a lot to do with self confidence came on a trip to San Francisco. I went with my family and my cousin, who was married to someone who had friends near where we were going. Since I like hanging out with them I decided to visit his friends instead of going with my family. So all of a sudden the car with the rest of my family pulled up in front of the car I was in with my cousin. Some of my family came out and insisted that I go with them because they thought “I’ll be a burden” yet I know I’m pleasant to be around because I’m not obnoxious. Then my uncle who I always usually listen to and hardly show any resistance to tried to strongarm me into going with them. This time I stood my ground and I even went as far as shouting at him in an aggressive manner until he gave up and I got in the car with my cousin to go with them. My heart was pumping away like crazy yet in the car I felt so empowered, so fulfilled, and so happy. Then I remembered saying “yes” so many times in the past and not putting up any resistance and avoiding confrontation. However, I realized that living my life like that constantly made me feel miserable inside.

Turning the Tables

I used to think that “I was doing the right thing” and “being the good guy” when in reality it’s the people who put up resistance and fight against something that’s not right who are the “good guys.” Bystanders are the ones who just sit on the sidelines and can be at home when the entire house is on fire and pretend that everything is fine. Sometimes when people notice that you’re starting to stand up for yourself and put up resistance to another person who is a very dominant personality, they are all afraid to tell you not to do it either. They’re afraid they might lose control over this once subservient person and since they are so used to your subservience (even though they don’t take direct advantage of it), they feel like you’re becoming someone else that they don’t want to get used to and they’d rather know you as the old you.

Dragon-Slaying 101

What can I and anyone reading this get from my experiences of dragon-slaying? Consider this - is weaving through freeway traffic as a pedestrian a worthwhile dragon to slay? No it’s not. It’s just pure stupidity. Fear is a rational response to things so we can survive. That’s why you can drive an RC car off of a cliff but you just can’t tell any sane person would never do it because it’s just plain irrational. Of course, if you had a wingsuit, a parachute and nerves of steel you could do it and survive so it’s good to know that you have the tools to slay the dragon and don’t end up dead or injured beyond repair. The idea is that you have to wisely choose which dragons are worth slaying and prepare to battle them without taking too long. If you take too long you’ll tend to overthink, which diminishes your effectiveness and will to fight. It’s important that you play with resistance like overcoming the fear of battle. When you think you’ve prepared long enough and have come up with creative and resourceful ways to fight the dragon, there are several ways the fight can play out. You can create a heat absorbing shield, outsmart the dragon and/or find its weak point and plunge your sword into it. Just like there’s more than one way to skin a cat there’s more than one way to slay your dragons. Be sure to start with small dragons. For example, those of us who are afraid of blogging can just start a small blog and won’t have to worry about what people think. It would just be for getting some feedback here and there. As you level up your writing skills and confidence, you’ll gain more followers and be well on your way to having a popular, even monetarily successful blog.

My Greatest Challenge Yet

So far I’ve started projects (i.e. slayed dragons) such as my blog and my YouTube page. Then there were other things like standing up to certain people and not letting them strong arm me into bad ideas. The biggest dragon that I’m in the process of slaying so far is the financial FU Money dragon. This dragon has been one that I have to constantly managed to retreat from and have been burnt by it plenty of times. Lately I’ve stumbled across a program by Dan Lok called High Ticket Closer, which costs $2500. This price was a gigantic turn off to me. At the same time there was something in my mind that couldn’t stop thinking about how my life would look like and all the things I can do with financial freedom. So I vetted the shit out of it. I looked at the webinar but didn’t buy. I saw a review from someone who did it and talked about it and even booked a call with one of his people. Even when she told me I could change thousands of people’s lives with their message I still didn’t buy it.

Looking Beyond the Horizon

While my bank account was safe, it still drove me crazy not to be able to make that impact in the world I always wanted. So after watching a ton of testimonials I finally made the decision to buy. It was scary but I found allies who are also willing to slay the same exact dragon that I’m trying to slay. It really helps to have like minded people to join me on my journey. In addition to that I faced my fears and increased the price of my communications course from a measly $10 to $74 because I knew it had value and someone actually bought it. Now I even increased the price more. The good news is another one of these people who are on the other side of fear is actually looking at my blog posts and appreciating what I have to say. I think that now more than ever I am looking forward to what is on that other side of fear. I am confident I can live my life with no regrets.